PAROLYTIC PARODY
by kovertkermudgeon
Summary: [well it started as a Frozen parody and then it exploded into much more…but the songs are still there randomly…M for language, violence and vague sexual humor. post-series. ch2 is spike-faye focused...The crew goes to a shooting competition/convention. between smooching, shoot-outs, explosions, and being forced to dance, danger is always one word away.
1. Musical Malaise

**PAROLYTIC PARODY**

 **EPISODE 1: MUSICAL MILAISE**

 **I** PROLOGUE

[A/N: the following happens during the song below, with the blows falling to the beat of the music]

Frozen tundra, featureless from high above. Everything is painfully bright, overly-saturated to the point that the brain reads a fuzzy image. Swooping lower Vicious's bird (or one that looks almost identical) shrieks and dive bombs after Laughing Bull's wolf. It snarls a warning, not missing a beat in its' gallop across the ice, dodging the spots of color emerging from the surface.

Gradually shapes are easier to identify. Faces of the dead, most of them go unrecognized, all of them go unnoticed by the tall man casually following the tracks of the wolf. A man who's lines are easier to read but whose color is grey-washed, transparent. Hands in his pockets, shoulder's slumped, barely glancing down every so often to make sure of the path. Occasionally he has to dodge the sledgehammers of the dead. They crowd, hungry for his soul, but no fear registers, not even in his two-colored eyes, not even when their weapons graze him.

The blows come faster and more frequently as he nears the only discernible object on the horizon- a decrepit tree untouched by snow. It's no longer possible to walk freely; the masses of color all but consume the grey lines. But the man does not struggle. He just keeps moving forward.

He's whistling a familiar tune. The same song that's playing through his headphones. As the bird swoops closer, a phrase escapes and echoes, reverberating through all the over-colored, undefined forms.

"3-2-1- Let's Jam."

 **Death an Explication [the f** **rozen** **heart/i** **ce** **worker's s** **ong** **]**

Four loners wandering lost

and grudgingly combining

into this force without care

always in danger of dying.

Jet with the heart sturdy always near,

Spike unloved n' without fear,

Faye beauty who won't let you near,

Ed's the thing apart.

All broken from the start.

Beautiful, unbreakable, outrageous, bald-

all with feelings to withhold,

louder than guns, wronger back then,

no longer without a friend.

Then with cold and singer fair,

and vicious rage unwinding,

these comrades both foul and fair

found themselves dividing.

Body torn apart, holed and freer,

Spike found love but it came with fear.

There's beauty and there's danger here.

He was dead from the start.

Beware all things fall apart.

 **II**

[A/N so over the course of the song would be several small montages conveying this kind of information…]

Time jump several weeks. It's been a rough time ever since the events of Spike's rescue. Ed returned just in time to motivate Jet-person and Faye-Faye to go rescue Spike-o ...and as a result she lost a leg. She's been fitted with a prothetic that she's modified to fit her hacking needs (she can also super jump now.) She chose a metallic one like Jet, but hers is covered in stickers and paint. She alone seems resilient to the past (even Ein seems depressed.) No one talks about that day, not even Ed. Ed is the only one who seems to see the others since the three adults avoid one another. Ed sells her programing skills to supplement the household income.

Faye also sustained a gunshot wound to the shoulder, nothing serious. However, as her memories return she falls into a deep depression as she compares who she was before her rebirth to the con woman she became. She secretly hoped that Spike would at least acknowledge (or even better return) her display of emotion right before he left. But his behavior has not changed, except he's perhaps a little nicer on the rare occasion that they occupy the same space. She'll find a way to get over that stupid jerkface manchild.

Jet feels guilt over having to be forced (via gunpoint and duct tape) into helping Faye and Ed save Spike. He realizes that he has acted cowardly in the past. No matter what kind of barriers he put up against other people to avoid getting hurt in the end, pain still happened; so he decides to be more open.

Spike realizes all his past mistakes. And that if Julia really loved him, she would have followed him. He resolves to talk about her more often, to show the others that he is over her. He blames himself for almost getting his crew killed. The physical toll of the past year's succession of gunshot and stab wounds finally catch up to him now that the adrenaline is gone.

They've resorted to catching small fry bounty heads and playing private detective to continue living.

 **Do you wanna catch a bounty? (do you want to build a snowman?)**

Jet

Do you want to catch a bounty?

Come on let's go faye-faye.

We never see you anymore.

You've shut the doors-

it's like you died that day.

We used to be kinda comrades

just watchin' Big Shot.

And now just because of Spike...

Do you want to catch a bounty?

It doesn't have to be a bounty.

[ok fine]

Do you want to catch a bounty?

Or spend all our money at the mall?

I think that what you're going through

shouldn't stick with you

it's not like you at all!

Ed

Ed doesn't eats her macaroni

made outta cartoons

cuz' hearing my faye-faye cry

slurp, waa, snnnffff, aaahh, blah, yelp! [Ed mimes eating, crying, blowing nose, wailing,vomiting, then falls over]

Faye-faye Ed sees you in there

hiding in the trash bin.

Ed brought some cabbage,

and some moo-moo,

it's out here for you

won't you dig in?

Jet

We don't know one another.

I guess I'm free.

So why do I feel used?

Do you want to catch a bounty?

[A/N: the long lyric-less portion would have rapid flashing images of the events leading up to Vicious's death all the way through Spike's rescue…images of isolated planets/depth of space mixed in to reinforce the concept that the crew all feel isolated…]

 **III.**

A single shrill scream cuts through the silent halls of the Bebop, somewhere at some point in time in space. Confused exclamations, running feet, something expensive sounding crashes, skidding to an abrupt halt for the big anticlimactic reveal— Faye Valentine sprawled across the living room floor with her arm over her eyes at her melodramatic best.

A long pause as the other members of the crew blink in the shock of not finding any immediate danger. Spike Speigel is the one to move first. Hopping over the rail instead of walking down the few steps, he cautiously approaches the still woman.

"For fuck's sake Faye what the hell happened to make you squeal so loud?," he asked, nudging her side with his foot.

The moment broken, Ed walks on her hands over to Faye close enough for her nose to almost touch the woman's cheek. Ein mimics Ed. Jet follows, grumbling about dramatic freeloaders. He slumps into the yellow chair, leaning forward, expectant of the explanation.

She was still unresponsive.

Growling quietly, Spike nudges her in the side again, more urgently this time. "Faye!"

A thin shaky arm extends into the air, Spike's gaze travels the length of her arm all the way to the tip of her finger then to the laptop open on the table. Faye whimpers.

"What, the computer? See something nasty you can't unsee?"

A noncommittal whimper.

Ed folds backwards and into a sitting position, pulling her glasses down over her eyes. Almost immediately she shrieked a squeal of her own.

"Ooh la la so many zeroes!"

Still grumbling under his breath, Jet slides the computer towards himself. He frowns. "Is this real? Looks like a scam to me."

"Nyah! Real as a real realtor from realtown," Ed cackles. "It's all over the net! Loads of hits! There's one for cowboys then another for ass-ass-ins and then one for coppers and assorted gun enthusiasts!"

"Huh?" A skeptical Spike saunters over to view the screen from over Jet's shoulder. It is an invitation to a "gunpalooza sans guns" event featuring marksman competitions with cash prices with more zeroes than seemed possible. All with non-lethal weapons, of course. The e-vite is an atrocious combination of moving graphics and color. Within all the long-listed details the host was not mentioned. His eyes narrow. "Yeah I'm with Jet on this, it looks sketchy."

"Nu-uh! Nu-uh! Nossirr! The ISSP is the co-sponsorerererer! It's even on their website an the news and all the medias! ALL of them!" Ed, having worked herself up and on the verge of over-excitement, hugs herself fiercely and falls over backwards. She rolls back and forth across the floor for the remainder of the adult's conversation.

"So what's the big deal Faye? If it's that hyped up there's no way we'd win—"

Jet is cut off by Faye springing into a sitting position, startling the others. "It's not about _winning_ Jet! Jeez! Men are so short-sighted!"

"Hu-uh?"

"There'll be tons of bounty heads there duh!"

"Yeah but there'll be tons of bounty hunters there too, Faye," says the ever-practical Jet.

"What are you boys _really_ that afraid of some healthy competition?! What ever happened to faith in the team?"

"It's not the team I'm worried about, it's the other criminals and innocent civilians in between you and your woolongs."

Spike straightens up, stretching. He's smiling, suddenly in a good mood. "Yeah but there'll be plenty of cops there to shield them."

Jet balks. "You're not serious! Spike!"

He chuckles, shaking his head. "About going I sure am. Sounds like my kind of party. Plus there's even this nice hidden gem Faye failed to mention."

She pouts, crossing her arms. "Well yeah I wasn't sure if you guys would be down for that kind of thing."

"Say what now?" Jet's voice cracks midway in fear.

Spike only laughs harder. "The real big money's hidden in a sub-clause so fewer people will join I guess. It's a couples sharp-shooting competition."

"Yeah and I don't really want to compete against you boys. Shipmates and all that. So I figured I'd leave that little gimmick out."

"What?! You don't mean—"

"You and Spike will make such a cute couple! It'll be hard to gun you down at the end."

Ed shriek-laughs, rolling faster and faster around the room. Spike crosses his arms and glares. "And what you'd find some waxed stud to escort you? Maybe even let him get all cozy just so long as you get your money?"

Faye looks away, hand on her chest in mock shock. "Spike Spiegal who do you think I am?! Any man I use is exactly that— a man for me to use, not—"

"Wait just a minute, what?" Jet cuts her off, still confused. "You want _me_ and _Spike_ to go _together?_ "

"Spike and I, me and Spike, I and Spike, Spike and me-eeee!" Ed giggles.

Faye nods, all business. "Obviously. Like it's the best way to maximize our chances of winning— like two chances." She looks from face to face, frowning. "Ok you know I'd share the money….eventually."

"Yeah after I get on your ass for weeks and weeks you just might drop a few just to shut me up," Jet grumbled.

"Or until you really really _really_ needed something."

She scowled. "Why do you two have to gang up on me? See? Already you two are just so in sync, how could I ever come between something like that?"

She looks back and forth between the two nonplussed men, growing more and more agitated. "What?! What is your problem?!"

Jet sighs, his head falling into his hands. "There is just _no_ _way_ I can condone letting both of you loose _separately_ on all those unsuspecting people. Putting you guys together might mean twice the trouble, but at least I could keep track of where _both_ of you are at the same time. And even though you're both like, I dunno, impulsive trigger-happy explosives at least you know each other well enough to possibly prevent any fiascos, or something. I dunno. Lord help anyone who you chose to victimize…Besides you're a better shot than me."

"Yeah, that's why Spike and I should work separately."

"No that's why I won't compete against you. I can't trust you not to shoot my ass the first chance you get," Spike mumbles.

Faye huffs, bristling. "Well whatever boys, your opinions, in addition to being uncalled for, have nothing to do with me. _I_ work alone…Well alone plus one, but apart from you, anyway. That's all that matters."

"Come on Faye, you scared of being with me or something?," Spike grinned.

This was the end of the short line composing Faye's patience. She somehow manages to make the act of standing up loud. " _No!"_

A long pause follows, Ein and Ed look back and forth between the two bounty hunters staring each other down across the table, one with a ridiculous grin, and the other with an even more ridiculous glare. The smugly smirking man sealed his fate by letting a low chuckle escape from his lungs.

"Fuck you!" Faye screams, smacking her partner across the head then storming off.

"Ok!" Spike saluted her retreating backside with a thumbs up. Howling in frustration, Faye picks up the nearest objects (Jet's keys, Ein's bowl, a leftover take-away box, beer cans, shoes, etc.) and chucks them at Spike until Ed's frantic pleas to stop fighting finally break through. With one last deathly face, she stalks off to her room with Ed close on her heels.

Jet shakes his head and sighs, leaning back in his chair. Spike still has a dumb smile. His eyes are far away from the scene of the most recent encounter of the Faye kind.

"You know, Spike, that's not exactly the smartest way to deal with women."

He shook his head, coming back to reality. The smile falls from his face. "Yeah I know. She just makes it too easy sometimes."

"Still…" Jet does not look toward the other man, prematurely trying to dodge the subject he knows he has to bring up.

"What?" Spike asks, noticing Jet's sudden clamminess.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of my business."

Spike smiles again, playful this time. "So how would you do it then?"

Jet blushed (almost imperceptibly but very obvious around the ears) "Do what?"

Spike snorted, shaking his head. "Convince her to do this party thing, you sicko."

"Oh, right." The realization that he had seen an implication that was not there made him blush even more. "I dunno, Spike, you might just want to leave her alone on this one."

"What? Why? Sounds fun."

"Yeah that's the problem!"

"Huh?"

"You thinking playing around with her as fun, that's what…"

Spike rolls his eyes, pulling a cigarette from his jacket and lighting it in one fluid motion. He takes a few puffs, staring intently at the ground. Jet also lights up, falling into the companionable silence that made their friendship work well. He was happy the information he'd been dying to let out was still safe. Until he noticed yet another grin spreading over his partner's face.

"So what if I'm not playing."

Another long pause as Jet blinks in surprise, surveying Spike's face in an attempt to determine the man's relative seriousness. His sharp bark of a laugh takes Spike by surprise. That was not the kind of reaction he'd anticipated.

"Well damn it's about time you figured that shit out."

Spike shook his head, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. "Yeah I know I know…I fucked up, I get it. Maybe if she wasn't so freaking weird after I got back, I mean she won't even talk to me or anything. She's just been acting like —" Jet's subtle frown cut him off. "What?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of my business anyway."

"What?" Spike whines.

"Nothing." There's a long pause as both men finish their cigarettes. Spike starts another; Jet shakes his head no to Spike's offering.

"It's just…Spike it's just that a LOT of shit you pulled over this year…I dunno…It stuck with her I guess. Maybe you can just shake off all the things that have happened before but…" He shrugged, shaking his head again. "Look all I know is she was real fucked up the night you left, ok? I've never seen her like that and I get the feeling she hadn't either…"

"No, I know."

"Do you though?"

Another long pause. Spike flops down onto the couch and stretches out with his arms behind his head, preparing for nap mode. He sighs as his eyes close. "Guess not."

Jet snorts, shaking his head again as he rises from his chair to go back to the main hangar and the endless pile of repairs. He pats his friend's shoulder as he walks past. "Well you could always start with an apology. You've got plenty of reasons to do that."

"Nah, apologies aren't really my thing. Besides, she'd see that as weakness and go for the jugular."

"Never said it would be easy," Jet calls back over his shoulder.

"I didn't either!" Spike sits up to respond to the figure retreating down the hallway. He sighs deeply and lies back down. He watches the fan's endless circle to clear his mind enough to drift off.

 **[commercial break 1]**

 **IV**

Flashback to a few months ago. Faye watches the Swordfish II launch toward inevitable death. Did she really just express herself to that idiot? How could she have missed his fake eye this whole time? How could he just leave like that? And why didn't she have the courage to shoot his dumb ass down? All of the confused feelings inside collect into an agonizing knot in Faye's chest. It's hard for her to breathe. Tears fall free from her green eyes, crying sounds come in ragged gasps from her throat. She's shaking. She rubs her limbs distractedly, trying to work through some of the numbness in her extremities brought on by the panic she is fighting to hold back. Damn him.

Just as easily as that, Faye stops. She's still now. Clear and calm and controlled again. She wipes her eyes and blows her nose. The past is in the past.

 **Let him go (let it g** **o** **)**

It's damn cold on the bebop tonight

and damn I need some caffeine.

An empire of connection and I feel like part machine.

My memories a crowding sorrow rising high.

Couldn't be who I've been, can't bear more lies.

Don't let them in.

Don't let them see.

Be the bad girl you've chosen to be.

Conceal.

Don't feel.

Don't let him know.

What if he knows?

Let him go, let him go!

Can't hold him back anymore!

Let him go, let him go.

Shoot the ceiling and the floor.

I don't care if he dies today!

Now spike is gone!

That lunkhead just pissed me off anyway.

It's funny how nearly dying makes everything so alive.

And this hell is the point where I've arrived?

It's time to see what I can do-

or else to grieve a man I hardly knew.

It's right, but wrong.

No past for me just screams.

Let him go, let him go-

it's not like he's a nice guy.

Let him go, let him go-

certainly never made me cry.

I don't understand who is Faye?

Now spike is gone...

His body flies through the air right to the ground,

or gets stabbed dead with enemies all around,

or like me frozen in a carbon icy blast—

he's never coming back.

The past is in the past.

Let him go, let him go-

and I'll fly on and be strong.

Let him go, let him go-

that fierce woman is gone.

Here I stand in the cold of space.

I'm glad he's gone.

That lunkhead just pissed me off anyway.

Just as the last raw nerves quiet down, as she finally finds her composure, Faye's cell rings. She'd sworn she'd turned it off earlier since the battery was just about dead anyway. Odd. She answers.

Before she can even get the first syllable of "hello" out a panicked high-pitched whine cuts in.

"Faye-fayeee what are you doiiing? Spike persons in _trouble_ Faye-Faye! Bad real bad bad! What are you dooiiinng? We have to go save him Faye-Fayeee!" Crying noises follow.

"Ed?! Where the hell are you?!"

 **V.**

Transition back to the present Bebop. Faye is sprawled across her bed. Her tiny room is completely covered in clothes and trash. Ein is standing in the doorway. He never ever goes into Faye's room because he is afraid he'll become lost in all the mess. As she often does when something heavy is on her mind, Faye is talking to Ein and responding for him. At this particular moment her concern is the possible upcoming competition. Spike was a much better shot than herself; the only way she could win would be through trickery. Or to be on the same team. The thought made her stomach twist like the gravity suddenly switched off. But winning meant money. Lots and lots of money.

 **Woolongs are better than people (r** **eindeer(s) are** **better than people)**

Faye

Woolongs are better than people.

Ein, don't you think that's true?

[Ein] Sure, you can bet them, and spend them, and loose them,

and everyone's got 'em, 'cept you.

Faye

But people say more things than woolongs

Ein, don't you think I'm right?

[Ein] That's once again true, especially about you.

[Faye] Got me. I can talk all damn night.

That's right. [spoken] Hey do you have a light?

—

"Ugh of course you don't you're a dog and dogs don't smoke. Lucky." Faye digs around in her stuff looking for a lighter with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. It is not long before she gives up, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "Why does everything have to be lost all the time? Huh?"

Ein barks in response, wagging his tail.

Faye scowls. "Hey I don't have to take that shit from you too, mutt."

Ein whimpers, drops his ears and looks down in apology.

She sighs and leans over to pat the corgi on the head. "Ok ok I didn't mean to be so mean, I—"

A startled choke accompanies a small jump as Faye is startled by the figure leaning casually against the wall right next to her door. It is Spike. Again he has caught her speaking to the damn dog. Such luck. Faye assumes her annoyed aura, preparing for any kind of argument. He's sure to tease her for apologizing to a dog. She blinks in surprise when no sharp witticism comes from the man. And neither does any kind of greeting or acknowledgement. Instead, much to Faye's confusion, Spike stays posed against the wall, hands behind his back. He's clearly uncomfortable. She can see it in how stiff and un-fluid his stance is and through the odd expression she just could not place on his face. Clearly some sort of trickery was at hand and Faye was not about to loose.

Crossing her arms and taking a solid position opposite her shipmate, Faye asks, "Can I help you with something?"

Spike seems to wake up. What is meant to be a smile comes off as a grimace and all he can manage is a subdued, "Yo."

A long pause follows, neither one looking directly at the other, both growing more uncomfortably tense. Faye breaks the silence first. Keeping as close to the opposite wall as possible, she inches her way past Spike toward the living room area where she's sure to find a lighter somewhere.

Spike suddenly springs into action, jumping in front of Faye, startling a noise out of her again. What she sees does not register in her brain. She blinks in confusion, looking back and forth several times between the man and whatever he is holding out to her. He once again seems to be frozen in place. This time all she can manage is a sound suggesting an open-ended question, "Eeeh?"

The sound jolts him awake again. Much to Faye's growing horror, he half-bows stiffly from the waist and holds the arrangement out closer to her.

"Here just take it."

She raises an eyebrow, frowning. "What the hell is this Spike?"

He blinks in confusion, scratching the back of his head nervously. He had not anticipated having to answer questions.

"It's…err…for you…?"

Faye smacks her forehead in growing frustration. "I figured that much out, dumbass; but what the hell is this supposed to be?!"

Spike looks down at his and Ed's special craft project. It was supposed to be a bouquet made out of cigarettes and lolly pops instead of flowers. He thought it looked alright.

"Cigarettes and candy…"

Faye grows in frustration, snatching the bundle out of Spike's hand. "I'm confused not blind! I mean what the hell is this for?!…I don't even like lollipops really…" She really had no idea how to cope with this odd Spike outside her door; and the longer she was forced to face this odd monster the more reliant on anger she became. A growing fear starting in her chest moved all the way through her torso. Her body stiffened even further in response.

Spike knew what he was doing seemed odd. And he could see he was freaking Faye out. But the more he tried to correct himself, the weirder he seemed to appear.

"No, I know, they're for Ed or whatever," he fake giggled nervously.

"Ed? Are you high or something? If you give her these Jet'll kill you!"

"No! I mean they're for you for Ed, err…Like you bribe her with candy, right? To do your dirty work…"

Another pause filled with confusion.

"Ok you lost me."

Spike clears his throat, rocking forward on the tips of his toes. "Right…uhh…Lemmiestartover!" Suddenly, he lunges for the bouquet and snatches it from Faye's loose grip. The sudden movement is enough to make Faye jump yet again, prompting a disgruntled face from Spike.

"Err…sorry…uh…," composing himself Spike straightens up then half-bows again, offering up his gift again. This time he finally masters his trademark half seriousness.

"Will you be my partner, Miss Valentine?"

Faye snatches the present back and hits him over the head with it, punctuating her words with blows. Spike lets her land a few before blocking her sudden onslaught of hits. "You dumbass why'd you have to do all this bullshit?! You should have just asked!"

Back to his normal self, Spike grinned, "You know I _had_ thought about real flowers but Ed said that was too boring."

The terrifying moment broken, the joke revealed, Faye laughs. "Yeah right! You! Flowers! Hah! Puh-lees." She saunters down the hallway, a mixture of elation and disappointment glossed over by her attitude.

"So does that mean yes?" Spike calls after her.

She doesn't respond other than a brief saucy smile over her shoulder. She does not look back at him, she cannot bring herself to study his cryptic behaviors anymore; not even when he calls out a taunt that will haunt her until the day of the competition.

"Guess that's a date then."

 **[commercial break 2]**

 **VI.**

It's registration day for the convention. Later, a party; tomorrow lots of competitions and more parties and more competitions and more partying stretching over a long weekend. Spike, Jet, and Ed are settling down for breakfast. Jet splurged and bought bacon for the special occasion to go along with his questionable pancakes. What they actually were was a continued argument between the crew centered around the shape of the food. Jet liked to entertain Edward by coming up with odd shapes or colors or toppings. Combined with the fact that the ingredients aboard the Bebop at any given time were random and scarce, he often had to get creative with his toppings and fillers which resulted in unidentifiable (and sometimes inedible) hotcakes. Even months after Ed left for her short vacation, it was still too soon for either of the men to be able to eat eggs without feeling sick.

Faye enters, placing an official looking document on the table in front of Spike, before digging in.

"What's this? Hell when did we get a printer? And legal paper?"

"My conditions," she replied ever so coyly.

Jet snorted. "Shoulda seen that one coming, bud."

Spike growled quietly before reading the document aloud. "One: touching is to be kept to a minimal. Two: no pet names. Three: no third party involvement, especially in any way that could possibly be construed as romantic. Four: the male [a line for a signature] will follow any instructions dictated from Ms. Valentine without hesitation or question, particularly in regards to attire, grooming, etc. Five: no boasting or bragging to other parties about anything remotely personal [i.e. prowess, endowments, endurance, etc.] and/or related to intimate contact. Six-"

By the time the phrase "intimate contact" was read aloud Jet and Ed were in hysterics, laughing uncontrollably. Meanwhile Faye sat quietly nodding to each point, sipping her coffee like nothing was out of the ordinary. Spike likewise was not amused. As the document progressed, his voice sounded more and more annoyed.

"What the hell is this Faye?"

"As I said— my conditions."

Jet was trying to say something between gasps for air for alas his giggle-fit was unsurpassable.

"You can't micromanage my life!"

She surveyed Spike cooly, looking over his grimy lounge outfit. He had been much too nervous to do anything over the past few days except work out and fiddle around making adjustments to his ship. Unfortunately for the others, personal hygiene had completely slipped his mind.

"Oh you'll thank me for my help. Believe me. Without me you'd go in there and the whole world would know you were a bounty hunter."

"Isn't that the whole point?"

"No!," Faye faked a laugh. "Are you crazy? Everyone there has to go in pretending to be somebody else, that's just the way these things work!"

Spike looked to Jet for an explanation or some back up or something. All he got in response was a "she's right" punctuated by gasps and laughs.

Spike growls and crosses his arms. "I ain't signing that, Faye."

She raised her eyebrows, challenging, "You won't?"

They stared each other down across the table, neither one backing down at all. In the silence, Jet and Ed were finally able to calm down, wiping the tears from their eyes and finally breathing. After what seemed like forever, Spike slammed his fist on the table. "Damn it fine! But I can't promise anything or nothing!"

She nodded in satisfaction. "Fine. Really the only _really_ important points are one and four. You _have_ to let me dress you properly and fix that stupid hair."

He grimaced, surveying his appearance in the warped curve of a spoon. "Yeah whatever….But how are people supposed to get that we're a couple if I can't touch you?"

Faye sighed dramatically. "I said minimal. I suppose there is no way to avoid physical contact alltogether. I'll try to bear such shame with as much grace as I can."

Spike rolled his eyes. "If anyone has the short end of the deal it's _me_. I hate it when you're in charge!"

Faye smiles her sweetest fake smile. Suddenly Spike feels a lot more nervous about spending time with this woman. She looked vaguely crocodilian.

Ed erupts in a new fit of laughter. "Is Faye-Faye going to make Spike-person pwetty?"

This is enough to set Jet off again. Spike slams his head on the table and starts to walk away only to stop when Jet calls out for him to hold on for a second. He waits impatiently fidgeting while Jet composes himself. It takes awhile.

"Was I waiting for something?"

Finally Jet is able to deliver conditions of his own. First he points an accusatory metal finger at each of the other three. "One- no weapons. No, even better, nothing blunt, sharp, explosive, or really anything that could even be remotely fatal. That goes with number two- no fighting, especially with each other. That'll be easy if you follow rule three: don't touch anything you don't absolutely have to. Stay away from anything that looks like it could be expensive. And other people, too, don't touch anybody.

"Four," he turns his stern eye directly at Spike and Faye, "No booze." This warrants two loud groans from the adults. They begin to argue for the benefits of alcohol at the same time, but Jet quickly cuts them off. "I SAID NO ALCOHOL and that's FINAL! It's just too damn dangerous! I need you both sharp if this trip is going to be successful. Besides in the event we have to skedaddle out of there real quick I want everyone able to drive, just in case."

He ignores the murmured complaints and the over exaggerated pouts and continues at a faster pace since the attention span of his audience was about to run out. "Five Ed, six Faye, seven Spike— no Ein, no gambling, no stunt shows. Eight- no injuries; nine- no getting separated or lost; and ten- NO SHOOT-OUTs."

The other three look completely disinterested. Jet sighs and covers his face with his hands. "Please just try to stay out of trouble."

Ed sits up straight and raises her hand high in the air.

"Yeah Ed?"

"Does Jet-Jet have any special rules?"

"Yeah, sure. Eleven- try not to loose my mind babysitting you three."

Ed sits back nodding in satisfaction. The other two adults snort and make faces in discontentment.

"So are we done here?" Spike asked with more attitude than necessary.

Jet shrugged. "Guess so."

Faye quickly rises and speeds out of the room, dragging Ed behind her. "Come on getting _YOU_ ready is going to take forever!"

 **VII**

[Small time jump to later that evening. Jet and Spike are waiting uncomfortably in the hangar and living area respectfully. Much to Spike's relief, Faye didn't really do anything with his hair except even out a few odd edges and make sure he washed it. He's tapping his foot impatiently faster and faster until he cannot contain his excitement a moment longer…]

 **For the first time maybe ever (for the first time in f** **orever** **)**

Spike [as he sings Spike will move to join Jet in the hangar, swinging off exposed beams and other musically stuff]

Damn I feel golden!

Not even sore.

I didn't know I could feel this anymore.

Who knew I could even believe in fate?

For years I've just tried to forestall

movin' on after Julia the biggest wall,

but FINALLY I'm ready for a date!

That's right, Me undead Spike Speigel!

And who'd've thought with Faye-Faye?

But wow am I so ready for this change.

Jet [during his portion, Jet's fiddling with mechanical looking things]

For the first time in forever

we can go out with no fights.

For the first time in forever

I won't have to tell them what's right.

Not sure if they're sad or happy-

but there won't be broken bones!

'Cause for the first time in forever

they might act like they're grown!

Ed [Faye is finally putting her finishing touches on the make-Ed-look-typical project; Faye's been super distracted the whole time/her mind is elsewhere]

[reading]Tonight come cowboys one'n'all!

Descend upon the woolong's call!

Out out to the biggest hunt in space!

(Sincerely no guns at all beware)

From the ISSP- ends there.

[stops] Ed thinks they'll bring some just in case.

But Ed has to wear shoes on feetsies

So Ed'll feed 'em to buzz-ards

too bad those are rare here on mars.

Faye [she finishes with Ed and kicks her out as Ed sings the trailing "mars" note; then Faye gets dressed quickly before exiting to the hangar]

For the first time in forever

I don't feel the need to run

For the first time in forever

I don't feel lost without someone

And I know I've been kinda hazy

like almost in a trance

But for the first time in forever

I'm not thinking 'bout romance.

—[as she turns the corner she sees the other three waiting for her in the hangar; immediately her mood falls]

Don't let them in.

Don't let them see.

Be the bad girl

you've chosen to be.

Conceal.

Don't feel.

Put on your show!

Make one wrong move

and your feelings could grow.

But it's only for today.

Jet & Spike

It's only for today

Ed & Faye

It's agony to wait

Ed

We should all go on skates!

Spike [aside to the audience]

Holy shit I'm going on a date!

Ed

We're late!

Bebop Bebop forever forever!

Faye

Don't let them in.

Don't let them see.

Jet

I don't have to see bleeding out.

Spike [aside to audience]

Kiss the girl

who makes you feel free.

Ed

Maybe there'll be ice cream swirled

the type that Edward loves!

Faye

Conceal.

Conceal, don't feel.

Let's put on a show!

Jet I know it all ends tomorrow.

Spike So it has to be today.

Ed Fuzz buzz an ether zephyr!

Faye For the first time maybe ever-

All Nothing's in my way!

[All exit nonchalantly.]

 **[end ep 1]**

preview voiceover for ep2:

Ed: Wowzers Ein! Lookat allthe foooooOOOOdd!

Ein: *barks*

Ed: Nyah? There's trouble afoot?

Ein: *barks three times*

Ed: Buuut Eeee-iiii-nn why can't everything just be haaappy?

Ein: *whimpers*

Ed: Right! Maybe it will be! But first: a plot! And more songs!

[unknown voice]: Next time on Cowboy Bebop: off-kilter chorus. Or maybe I'll just kill her off…

[the shots would show: several characters I'm bringing in next, establishing scenes from the party, some flashback images of Spike-Julia, and the crew in a car flying (falling really) over a cliff]

EPISODE 2: OFF-KILTER CHORUS


	2. Off-Kilter Chorus

paralytic parody episode 2: OFF-KILTER CHORUS

[well it started as a Frozen parody and then it exploded into much more…but the songs are still there randomly…M for language, ungraphic violence, and vague sexual humor. post-series. ch2 is spike-faye focused...The crew goes to a shooting competition for bounty hunters, assassins, and gun fans. between smooching, shoot-outs, explosions, and being forced to dance, danger is always one word away]

[I do not own Cowboy Bebop…no sue plz…also formatting might have gotten screwy again so sorry]

 **I**

Police everywhere, roadblocks galore, wall to wall people all moving, almost a whole block of one of Tharsis's many streets closed off all for this gunpalooza. Banners advertising all sorts of weaponry cover every empty space within view. No _real_ weapons allowed, for safety, but plenty of high quality replicas representing all sorts of dangerous goodies for sale. New technologies in plasma cannons, different types of bulletproof materials, early detection assault equipment, accuracy improvements, supreme silencers, stealth gear, endless ammo, venders spilling out of the handful of hotels participating in the convention of an outlaws dreams. New ways to decorate, clean, store, reload, fire, sell, take apart, build, and customize just about any kind of weapon and/or ride imaginable. And about ten thousand wide-eyed ladies and gents prone to violence making endless grabby hands. The shadiest rubbed elbows with amateurs and innocent and guilty as hell alike. All kinds of people were there, mostly waiting to see. To witness just how dangerous all the most dangerous kinds of folks could be when all grouped together. And every face could belong to the most wretched twisted being since the devil last walked the Earth. And wasn't that just exciting.

There were never enough woolongs. There were always enough faces to smash.

Jet Black is on edge. Tenser then the poor blokes calculating nuclear risk countdowns during the height of a game of chicken between superpowers. Edward is excited. So many strangers to follow, so many new things to see and explore, and Jet-person had yet to realize she had already ditched her shoes. Jet had to quit watching her almost as soon as they left the safety of the outside streets and entered the heightened danger area. Her movements were just too damn fast for his old eyes to handle without feeling nauseous.

Jet's head snaps back, trying to find the source of Ed's louder than usual excited squeal. He grunts and shakes his head. At least she finally found Faye.

"Everything go ok?"

She hands over a small stack of hotel keys. "Yup."

"No side-trips to casinos or anything?"

She rolls her eyes. "No. You get the car?"

Jet nodded. "Had to park hella far away though."

Faye scrunches up her face in annoyance. All three watch the crowds of people moving around. "This is insane."

Jet grunts an assertion. "Seen Spike?"

Faye nods a no. They continue to scan the masses in silence for awhile.

"Found him! Found him!" Ed giggles, pointing.

Across the courtyard is Spike, surrounded by scantily clad, well-endowed, young women vying for his attention. Jet smacks his forehead with his hand, covering his eyes. "Well at least someone's already having fun."

Faye glares, crossing her arms. "Ok Ed, here's your first lesson on dating. When dealing with other women, and believe me there will _always_ be other women, it is important you mark your territory. Got it?"

Ed shakes her head in confusion.

"Just watch and learn kid."

Faye struts across the courtyard, head up, shoulders back, model face on, hips swaying. Out of her peripheral, she notes men all around turn and stare, further increasing the bounce in her step. The other women notice her approach before Spike does. Already she can see them backing down, unconsciously putting slightly more distance between themselves and the man. Oblivious dummy does not even see her until the last second, giving him no time to prepare for Faye's territorial display.

Without pausing her step, Faye launches herself at her fake boyfriend. Latching her arms around his head and pressing firmly against him she immediately starts a seemingly endless lip-lock. The only evidence of surprise Spike showed was a slight widening of the eyes before he joined in. Not missing a beat he wraps his arms around his girl, pulling her closer, hands getting dangerously close to her backside. Faye could feel his lips turn up in a smile which should have been enough warning that he was about to pull some trick to throw her off balance again. But her heart was beating way too fast for her brain to warn her in time, so when his uninvited tongue made things start getting real sloppy she accidentally moaned a little. She knew the asshole heard, too, because he had the gall to laugh slightly into her mouth. Refusing to let him win, she allowed her hand to start moving down his chest towards dangerous territory. Faye really should have known better than to play any form of chicken against Spike, but she really was not in a rational state. A low, quiet growl escaped his mouth, challenging her.

Internally kicking herself for upping the stakes too high too fast, Faye broke the kiss first, turning her head to the side to address some of her fake boyfriend's admirers. Much to her displeasure they were still there.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you it was rude to stare?" She asked cooly. This finally prompted the girls to leave. The new problem was that even though Faye had stopped with all the smooching, Spike had not. He just continued kissing along Faye's jawline and down her neck, much to her dismay.

As soon as the last girl turned away in disgust Faye took control of the situation back by kneeing him in his most sensitive area. Hard. Immediately he crumpled into a ball, gasping in pain and very confused. Ignoring the string of curse words coming from her recently fallen comrade, Faye lights a cigarette as if none of the previous few moments ever happened.

"Well I was going to say 'leave some room for decency' but now I guess I have absolutely nothing to say," Jet mumbled as he walked up with Ed. Much to Faye's amusement he was blushing again.

"Oh and no smoking here." He points to a nearby sign as proof.

Faye exhales smoke out her nostrils in protest. "What are you going to do, tattle on me?"

Ed giggles and Jet shakes his head, crossing his arms. "Alright, alright, let's get this over with."

In the silence that follows, no one moves (except the unstoppable Edward flitting from one distraction to another.)

Jet tries again, only louder. "I said let's go!"

"Nah, I'm alright down here," Spike's voice comes out muffled. He's still curled in a fetal position on the ground.

Ed frog-hops over. "Whatcha' waiting for Spike-oh-oh?"

Faye finishes her cigarette, putting the butt out with her shoe a mere centimeter from Spike's nose. "I'm _not_ apologizing."

His head finally snaps up, "well you _should_." He sounds angry but his face remains playful.

Faye snorts. "Quit being dramatic. I said no touching."

"Yeah well you kissed me."

She growled, leaning over her fallen friend. "Yes but I did _not_ say you could grope me or shove that disgusting tongue where it doesn't belong!"

He grins. "Wanna show me where it does belong?"

"Shut up! In your mouth, idiot!" She's blushing slightly. Jet is pretending he did not understand innuendo. Spike laughs and gets up. He tries to put an arm around his fake girlfriend but she shoves him off, glaring. He goes for her shoulders, then hands; over and over she bats him away as they walk down the street. By the time they reach their first destination, Faye has given up and is allowing her hand to be held. She is not participating, her fingers are completely limp. She shoots him dangerous glances every time he moves his thumb around her knuckles. But he only smirks at her.

Let the hunting begin.

 **II** [small time jump]

It's the monumentally large ballroom of one of the participating hotels. A thousand people crammed inside. The music is horrible but it's got a beat people can "dance" to. With so many people it's not so much dancing as swaying and shaking, but it's the feeling that matters. The stupid party lights are on. Since flashy colors meant excitement or something. Lots of alcohol everywhere and it's constant companion— the handful of royally plastered beyond any measurable scale sprinkled amongst the crowd.

It was definitely the kind of party boring for sober people. The four (tragically) sober bounty hunters have already spent hours nosing about various spots the highest priced criminals in the star system were likely to appear. So far they had seen nor caught a single thing valuable. It was not an unpleasant few hours since people are entertaining enough to watch on their own. Add a sick beat and some booze and free will and poof: instant clown. Still, the whole thing was getting kind of old. But finally the opportunity Faye had been waiting hours for: Jet's first retreat to the bathroom.

As soon as his figure disappeared in the crowd, Faye grabbed Spike's wrist and ran for the nearest keg. Stopping in front of one of hundred of tiny drink stands, she pouts up at her fake boyfriend.

"No way! Jet said no booze; you break a rule you buy it."

Faye replied with a wink, leaning into his chest. "Aww c'mon. Jet's not here! We have at least three minutes." She grinned coyly, causing Spike's stomach to drop. "Besides, beer doesn't count as alcohol, everybody knows that!"

Sighing, Spike digs some cash out of his pocket. Faye squeals in excitement, jumping up and hugging her human wallet. Chuckling he gets them both drinks, Faye starts downing hers immediately.

"Ed wants one!"

The two adults turn (still drinking) and look at the companion they'd thought about.

"No way! You're not old enough!"

Ed stomped her foot and pouted. "Ed'll tell! Ed'll tattle! Ed'll squeal and squawk!"

Spike cursed and quickly procured the smallest drink with the littlest amount of alcohol within eyesight. Ed also squealed in excitement. This turned to disgust with her first sip.

"Eww! Icky! Why does Faye-Faye like this stuff?"

Spike chuckled, nodding his head. "It's not the taste Ed."

Faye was already making grabby hands for Ed's drink. She forked it over gladly.

Two beers down in a matter of minutes, Faye was in a much better mood. Spike silently applauded his decision noting Faye got a lot more touchy-feely. Jet came back all business. He failed to notice the increased amount of touching and giggling.

"Ok now what? We've pretty much looked everywhere here, right?" Jet asked.

"Yeah but not the dance floor," Faye giggled.

"Ed wants to dance!"

Quickly Jet found a scapegoat. "I dunno then we'd get separated from Spike."

"Huh? Wassat?" Spike asked.

"You know…I mean you don't dance so it'd be…rude to not include you, and maybe…separating is a bad idea, you know?"

Spike, seeing his friend struggling to dodge the dance bullet, grinned and went in for the kill. "What? I dance just fine."

The look of horror that flashed across Jet's face made the lie completely worth it.

"It's not like it's dancing anyway, Jet, you'll be fine." He condescendingly patted Jet on the back for good measure, gaining a fierce grimace in return. The effect was lost since Ed immediately grabbed both of their hands and b-lined it for the main dance floor, Faye towed behind by Spike.

They "danced" for awhile, all trying to help poor Jet get his groove. He had rhythm; it just didn't always cooperate when he was flustered. Like now, when random strange ladies and men tried to introduce crouch-on-crouch moves. Faye had not laughed this hard in…maybe since she'd woken up. The sudden thought saddened her. Such sharp pangs of sorrow usually stayed with her hours or even days recently, but she managed to shake it off this time when a particularly arduous and determined woman tried to jump into Jet's arms.

That was enough to make Jet retreat to the sidelines. The three remaining kept moving around the crowd for awhile longer, halfway looking for potential victims. Still no luck.

Then an unexpected slow dance faded in. Ed grinned, pushed her two friends together, and fled. About a third of the crowd dispersed as well, glad to finally have a break. Faye made a grab for Ed but she was too fast. Slowly she turned around to look back at her fake boyfriend. He was smiling. Way too damn charming.

"What? We don't have to if you don't want to…If you're afraid or—"

Faye growled and stomped up to him. "Shut up!"

They both grimaced in the inevitable awkward moment when two people are trying to figure out how to join together. After fumbling around trying hands and arms in different positions, they finally settled down into a comfortable position. She hooked her hands behind his neck and he barely grabbed onto her hips. This time she made sure not to get too close. They swayed slowly for a little while, not looking at each other. Faye snickered first.

"We look stupid."

"Yeah," he smiled but she was already looking away again, scanning the room. Ever since coming inside she had seemed to be somewhere else and it was making Spike more and more agitated. He never knew what the hell she was thinking. All he wanted was for her to join him in the present during these unusual quiet moments together. At this rate he figured he would never be able to show Faye this whole thing was not some joke to him.

So Spike continued to watch Faye as Faye watched the masses of people. Suddenly he felt her body tense up and a jolt of anxiety shot through his chest.

"What? What is it?"

She hid behind him, pulling her arms down and latching them on to the front of his jacket, burying her face in his chest. He drew her closer, simultaneously poking her in the ribs.

"What?"

She shook her head and murmured the direction she wanted him to look. Obedient he glanced over his shoulder. "Those goons in the white?"

He felt her head nod slightly.

"Debt-collectors?"

Another nod. Spike snorted, relieved. "Sure it's just not some coincidence?"

Her head shot up to flash him an angry look. "Yeah I'm sure. I would bet all my woolongs that I'm owe more money than most of these people combined, Spike. Big Money. That means big target."

He chuckled, holding her tighter, running one hand slowly up down her bare back. "Yeah, so? It doesn't matter. They can't do shit to you right now…"

"I know," she whispered. His heart skipped a beat. She sounded so fragile then, vulnerable, alone and sad. And that made Spike feel helpless which had to be one of the worst feelings he was still new to.

Neither one said anything for a little while. It was back to dance music but Faye never moved so Spike stayed still too. He felt her muscles gradually relax. She was off someplace without him again. When he thought it might be safe, he broke the silence.

"Bet now we look even more stupid."

She laughed but did not offer any reply. After another long pause, he felt her head tilt back up a little, so she could look at him. He raised an eyebrow in question.

She smirked, "It's just that your heartbeats so fast. Are you afraid of me Spike Spiegel?"

"Tch, yeah, right." Their faces were mere centimeters apart and she was actually looking him in the eyes for the first time in ages. He registered surprise in her face at his response, her eyelids widening slightly. She was frozen. He could see she wanted to ask why, either move closer or away, joke, anything to break this connection. He sighed.

"I mean how could I not be? I have no fucking clue what you'll do to me in revenge."

She finally moved, pulling her body back further away, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. "Wha—"

Faye was cut off by Spike's lips barely pushing against hers, slowly parting them.

It had never occurred to her that he could be gentle. Or hesitant. He was supposed to be all impulse and passion and roughness like earlier, not whatever this nonsense was. Shit. This was awful. Shit shit shit. How could this happen after waiting so long, pining and pathetic and all weak and un-Faye. She was NOT someone's sloppy seconds. Men did NOT blow her off for old past flames no matter how startlingly perfect the devils were. Fucking moron. It had to be some kind of sick joke. And pain would certainly follow because that's life and life sucks. But of course since Faye's mind and body rarely cooperated with one another, there she was enabling this kind of bad behavior. As she tried to pull away her lips just opened further; as thoughts of Julia flashed behind her eyes, her body pressed closer to his; as future consequences filled her chest with anxiety, she pulled him closer to her level, fingers dug into his hair. Shit.

Her eyes opened slightly. What she wanted was to see Spike's face; to try and figure the coo-coo head out. Instead her eye was somehow drawn outwards into the crowd. And there stood a sharp kick to her gut. Julia.

Her head snapped to the side and her arms pushed out, untangling from him. No she was dead. Sure, she was standing not ten feet away right now; but hell no she was dead. The unpleasant feeling of shock only amplified when she realized that again Spike had failed to stop exploring her body with his mouth. She slapped hard, he sighed deep. They both started apologizing at the same time, then simultaneously balking at the sight of the other admitting guilt about something. Spike laughed, Faye bristled. She tried to storm off but he grabbed her hand and followed. Like a chaperone honing in on an underaged couple performing acts of public indecency, Faye walked with PURPOSE. The problem was she had no clear desire of where she had to get to so quickly or why, she just had to GO. Even if it meant dragging the human fungus she was unable to detach from her hand. She wore an expression of determined righteousness, he a delusional smile.

Both distracted, it was only a matter of time before an accident with an unsuspecting guest. Somehow as Spike tried to reel Faye back from her power-walk-indefinitely mode, he managed to throw her off balance enough to fall into a waiter carrying an entire tray of drinks. The staff member walked away mostly dry and completely unscathed. Faye, however, did not. She sat on the ground, blinking in confusion, doused in assorted alcoholic drinks. When she moved, she received several small cuts from broken glass, but she was much too angry to notice the sting of alcohol mixing with the blood over her wounds. She immediately pounced upon Spike, screaming and clawing at him. Not at her best, he easily dodged all her blows. This only infuriated her more, but not nearly as much as the calming speech Spike was trying to use to diffuse the situation. By the time Jet finally intervened, literally picking Faye off the ground and carrying her desperately wiggling form to the nearest bathroom, a sizable amount of people were watching. A few recorded videos.

Faye was not ready to be cleaned up, no matter how hard Ed tried to convince her. Jet and Ed had watched pretty much the whole event from a respectful distance (mostly so their shipmates could not hear their commentary and giggles.) Now Jet was holding the door closed against a deranged Faye throwing herself against the frame while Ed tried to wrap a whole roll of paper towels around the woman.

 **commercial break 1**

 **III**

As expected, Faye eventually calmed down enough to clean herself up to the best of her ability. She knew it was a dumb accident and she had behaved most immaturely. She had just bottled too many emotions inside for too long. Of course she exploded. And now all she felt was the familiar weight in her chest she had carried around for the past few months. If her parents had seen her act like that… Hell, if her former self had seen a stranger behave so outlandishly…damn she was such a disappointment. With a heavy sigh she exited the bathroom, ignoring all the stares. Anyone who had not witnessed her tantrum firsthand had by now seen one of the many viral videos plastered over the internet.

Docile, she promised Jet not to do anything else unpleasant. Just in case, it was agreed that three of them should go ahead and find Spike, then leave. It took awhile but the three finally located their missing partner. Jet tactically offered to go get the car and dragged Ed with him. Faye sighs and walks toward her fake boyfriend.

 **IV** —-[meanwhile]—-

"Jesus man you sure raised hell back then, and over some dumb broad too. 'Tho seeing that fine piece of tail made a evr'thin' a lil' clear'r. How'd you find somethin' that good?" The oddly normal looking man asks Spike.

"Err…Well she was with one of my friends at the time, but um, I got in this…wreck and she kinda patched me back up afterwards…"

—-cue flashback—-

 **Love is a** **cold** **war** **[** **Love is an open door** **]**

[a/n: personally I don't think Spike and Julia had much of a relationship (not going into why here though). …All of the flashbacks in the show are in either blue or sepia-ish tones (only Faye gets real color memories) so this section would follow that… Similarly Spike's flashbacks specifically only have voice overs, so the song would be dubbed/no singing shown...content wise: focus on the secret aspect of their relationship (stifling/un-free); also how much more into it Spike was and how betraying his friend like that also caused him lots of pain…all set in the small room featured in the show (presumably Julia's), wide shots gradually transitioning to extreme close shots by the end of the sequence to create claustrophobic feel]

Spike

All my life has been a series of shots to the chest

then suddenly I fall down to you.

Julia

I've been searching my whole life to ruin this gang

and maybe I can get to Mao by screwing you two.

Spike

I love you!

Julia

Yes you do?

But your friend?

Spike

Love transcends.

Both:

That it's nothing like I've ever known before...

Love is a cold war.

Love is a cold war.

Love is a cold war.

Spike

With you

Julia

With you

Spike

With you

Julia

Not him

Both

Love is a cold war.

Julia

I mean it's crazy

you'd kill your friend for this-

Spike

LOVE.

I've never met someone-

Both

Who makes me feel so weak!

Our one shared damnation,

yup, Vicious will be our expiration.

Julia

You

Spike

and I

Julia

want

Spike

just

Both

to be free.

Spike

Say hello

Julia

Say hello

Both

To the pain of the future-

but we don't have to feel it right now...

Love is a cold war.

Love is a cold war.

Don't wanna die anymore.

Spike

With you

Julia

With you

Spike

For you

Julia

For me

Both

Love is a cold war.

Vicious

War

Spike

War.

—-end flashback—-

"And, uh, yeah, I guess that was it."

Faye had made it back just in time to hear most of the brief account of Spike's steamy love affair. She waited slightly out of sight on the edge of the group, feeling sicker with every stupid word. Clearly he was talking about Julia. This whole time she'd really hoped that the reason for her quasi-friend's love sickness was justified. But as a con woman herself, Faye was pretty sure of her scam-detection ability. And the more details came out, the more alarms sounded in her head.

"Ahh ain't love at first sight the thing? I wish Dee was all romantic like that!" one the trashy much younger woman quipped.

"Speak of the devil and she will appear, there's the infamous Julia. Pleasure to meet you."

Faye started and looked around for the resurrected woman only to realize that there had been a monumental case of mistaken identity. A moment too late she stepped forward, further fumbling the whole interaction by visibly cringing when the guy kissed her hand. The way he said pleasure made the hairs on the back of her neck rise. Spike also noticed the aggressiveness in his tone, instinctively putting his arm around Faye's waist and pulling her close.

"I'm not suicidal enough to steal somethin' of yours." The man chuckled but continued to stare at Faye's chest as he introduced her to all of his women.

"Julia," was her cold response to the whole group.

At some point during the short interaction, the apparition of Julia resurfaced in Faye's memory. She held onto Spike's arm, unconsciously digging her nails into his skin. Panicked, she searched the crowd over and over, subtly jumping each time she saw long blonde hair. Spike noticed her sudden change, wrapping his other arm around her in an attempt to provide a feeling of safety. She did not seem to notice.

He steers her over to a relatively unoccupied corner, gently shaking her by the shoulders.

"Hello? You ok? Hit your head or somethin'?"

She barely glanced in his general direction, her focus remained on searching the crowd. There was no way she was going to let that bitch anywhere near Spike again. Not after what happened last time.

"No. I'm fine."

Spike continued to watch her paranoid scan of the area. "Lookin' for something?"

"No."

"So then what the hell's wrong with you?" The question came out harsher then he meant but it fulfilled its' purpose since Faye finally looked at him.

"Nothing…," she mumbled. An awkward silence followed. Spike joined in looking around the room, even though he had no idea what he was looking for.

"It's just I-…I have a bad feeling about this, that's all…," she whispered. "Can we go?"

Spike nodded and the two set off for the exit. Faye was still so concentrated on her search that if Spike had not been steering her body slightly she would have collided with a number of objects and people.

"Seriously, Faye, did you hear or see something? What's got you so spooked?"

"I dunno…women's intuition or something ok? …Just trust me we shouldn't be here…Call Jet, they should be pretty close to us now."

"Why what's wrong with your phone?"

[a/n: so in the series they only have chunky communicators…let's just pretend they have modern-day cell phones…]

Without stopping her continuous scan, Faye pulls her phone from some hidden pocket in her dress and waves it in front of Spike's face. The home screen is blinking with a message in red- "error." Spike sighed and dug his own phone out of his jacket before draping the garment around Faye's shoulders. She automatically murmured a "thanks" without really comprehending the gesture.

By now they have almost reached the edge of the convention area inaccessible to cars. The street lights glimmer off the riot masks of the wall of police officers and machines surrounding the area. There is still a pretty sizable crowd outside, but compared to earlier the streets seem empty. Likewise the sound is much worse. Where there was music and the dull roar of hundreds of people before, background noises from the outside city echoed shallowly off the skyscrapers in replacement. The streets are well lit but wash everything in a sickly yellow tone. They just make the edges above where the lights can no longer reach seem all the more depthless. Despite the jacket, Faye started shaking. It really was not that cold but after leaving a crowded club, the slight breeze was enough to agitate her wet clothes and hair.

Spike sighs and puts his phone in his pocket. "Yeah I dunno, screwy signal or something. Couldn't get through." He squeezes her hand reassuringly. "It's fine."

She nodded, not really hearing. "M'k."

They saw the first section of lights go out ahead of them all at once. In a wave, the lights all around went off, starting ahead of them and ending far behind. Every light possible from cell phones to battery-powered flashlights shut down. Anything electric powered down. Last chance back-up generators for the back-up generators for the back-up generators for the real deal, all failed. There was barely a fraction of a second before gunfire started, the sound morphed in the void. The sound of crunching metal. Cars and ships crashing, falling. In the dark, distance seemed unreal. A yard or two miles, it made no difference— all unattainable.

The lone bounty hunters froze in place. Faye whimpered unconsciously, clutching tighter to Spike's arm. He cursed, digging around in all his pockets for a lighter.

"You gave it to Jet," she numbly whispered. He cursed some more.

"It's fine. We just need to get to cover somewhere. Don't get separated. Keep your arms in, head down…Besides, they'll get the lights back on soon, no worries. This big of an area in the city? They'd have to fix that fast, easy."

"But where do we go?"

"Stick to the plan, try to find Jet and Ed."

"They won't let us out. They won't let anyone out. All those guards…," she trailed off. Really all Faye could think about was Julia creeping up behind her and slitting her throat, that beautiful smile the last thing she'd ever see. She mentally kicked herself. No she would not see anything; if she was going to die out here it would be without any idea who took her life.

"Yeah well fuck them there's no way we're staying here. I'll get us out of here. So, what did you bring?"

She could hear the sound of a knife being unsheathed, could feel Spike holding it out for her to see, then lowering it.

"Oh, right. It's a knife."

"Here. Hold out your hand." Faye shifted her weight, holding Spike's shoulder for balance. He could only hear fabric rustling. He felt her hand tentatively trying to find his, then gently placing her glock in his hand.

"What-the? Where did you even keep this?" He could practically see her smirking coyly.

"A lady never tells her secrets; you know that, Spike."

He snorted before carefully handing over the knife.

"Just try not to stab me."

"Copy that."

Inching forward, holding hands again, the pair eventually found a wall to follow.

"See? Easy. Just follow this for awhile longer."

"Yeah then sneak past the impenetrable wall of armed nervous boys, so eas—"

He did not get to reply. The literally explosive finale to the blackout had just begun.

 **commercial break two**

 **V**

[a/n: this sequence would open with the same series of frames from the beginning of the episode with Jet and Ed moving down the same street (only now walking the other direction, and at night.) likewise the background people action would be the same but backwards; the ambient street noise plays, only at a slightly lower pace and tone…]

Jet and Ed stop in front of a van(?). The vehicle itself was always associated with a question. It could drive. (?) In a sense. It was blue(?) But what part was blue and what shade— always up for debate. It had four wheels. (?) In an abstract categorization of round-thing sure. Four doors and an assortment of windows. Often, yes, but never all attached to the van(?) at the same time. No matter how hard any one person tried to remember any details about the van (?), it was a chimerical concept just beyond the realms of human comprehension. Thus, the van(?) could freely change its form (within the standards of what "van" could signify) without the inferior humans being aware of any difference. It(?) was currently owned by an old retired beat cop who used it's (?) services to get to and from the grocery store and/or doctors office about once a week or so. At this particular moment the van(?) is in the possession of Jet Black, who made an endless amount of promises to the owner that no damage would ever happen to it (?).

As Jet Black attempts to un-park the van(?) a body gets in the way. No need to worry, Jet noticed the sudden appearance of a person just in time to break. Ed barks ferociously, baring her teeth and pointing. Jet tries to signal the guy to move. Yet, even after Jet waits patiently for several entire minutes, the figure does not.

"Stay in here," he orders Ed, parking and stepping out of the vehicle. Cautiously he approaches the person. It's a young man. Average height. Very skinny, angular. Grey hair frames his face; high, thin, grey eyebrows make him look amused. At first Jet thinks his eyes are closed altogether, until he sees a slight flash of almost-transparent light blue revealing that the man's eyes are still open a sliver. He is exquisitely dressed in a white suit jacket accented by turquoise to contrast his black, tailored dress shirt. The shoes look like they cost more than Jet made bounty hunting in the last year. Shit this was CLASS.

"Uh, excuse me?"

"Nimaru Bishasu at your service," the human-roadblock said, bowing deeply.

Unused to such formality, Jet shifts his weight and scratches the back of his head, uncomfortable. "Err…Nice to meet you too but could you please move?"

"But of course! Be a dear and deliver this to Mr. Spiegel, would you? It's his burden after all. Oh, don't worry, it's not fatal or anything. Well, not in your hands anyway Mr. Black."

Jet jumps at the mention of his Spikes' name and then again when his own name arrives from the lips of a total stranger. He backs up, slowly, hand outstretched behind him to open the door. He has several guns with him, of course. Just in case his two adult comrades started any major trouble. Or in the event strange men tried to get him to hold their packages.

Nimaru smiles. Instead of disarming Jet, the gesture further convinced the seasoned veteran of imminent danger.

"There's no need for that, Mr. Black, no use for gunpowder and sparks. I assure you this little errand will bring you no further grief."

Jet studies the package from a distance. If he was a gambling man, he'd bet his payout it was a blade. If he could be certain it was _just_ some kind of sword he would not mind taking the thing. However, Jet was no gambling man. At least, not with the high stakes of the high class.

"Now just wait just a minute— I, uh…Well I'd like to know how the hell you know who I am but I have no idea who you are…"

The stranger's disconcerting smile stretches farther. "Why I just told you my name is—,"

"No I got that part but what—,"

"Nimaru Bishasu—,"

"And Edward!" The young girl jumps over Nimaru's head as he bows again, flipping midair into a roll. Somehow she lands sitting up holding the package. "Edward's got it!"

Jet emits a high-pitched squeak at the sudden appearance of his charge; it turns into a roar when he sees the package in the wrong hands.

"HEY! Put that down! What have I told you about—," he is cut off by the extreme sadness suddenly radiating off of Ed. Her wide eyes suddenly fill with tears, her "O" shaped mouth curling into a sob. She really did look like a guilty dog sometimes. Sighing heavily, he kneels to be face-to-face with the odd child.

"Ugh! It's fine, I'm not mad at you, or trying to be mean I just—just put the damn thing down. Ok?"

Ed shakes her head violently "no," clutching the item closer to her chest. Her voice comes out higher-pitched than normal and cracks in several places.

"B-bb-but it's for-r Sp-sp-Spike-person. Ed wants to give Sp-sp-Spike-person a present!"

Jet grunts, looking up accusatorially at the man looming over them. "Yeah, ok, whatever Ed, but hand it over just for a little while."

She shakes her head no.

"Come on!"

She keeps shaking her head as she dodges Jet's attempts to snatch the package away.

"No! What's the magic word?! Ed didn't hear the magic word!"

"What?"

"Magic! Word! Magicwordmagicwordmagicword!"

"What? Like open sesame?"

Ed whines in frustration, curling into herself. "No!"

Nimaru stoops down to the lower level to join the others. "Miss Edward, could you please hand over your special delivery to Mr. Black? I would very much appreciate it."

Ed perks up and immediately shoves the item into Jet's arms, knocking him off balance from his crouch. He falls flat on his butt, looking back and forth in confusion between the two weirdos trying to out-smile one another.

The man inclines his head. "My eternal gratitude, Miss Edward, you have made me very jolly."

Ed hops up and bends completely in half in a super-bow-combination-curtsy. "Obliged much-ly!"

Jet sighs, struggling to his feet. "Alright then, no—."

He sees Nimaru walking away, all the way across the parking garage floor.

"Hey wait!"

Nimaru stops and turns around, head tilted to one side, grin ever wider. "Whatever for, Mr. Black?"

"I have—."

The stranger walks backwards as he interrupts, "Questions, but of course you do. But, alas time is running out, and the good little bunnies must go back to their burrows. Do not feel sorrow; we shall meet again soon."

"Ooohhh! Really?! Ed likes Smiley-san!"

"No thank you!" Jet called after.

With that Nimaru opened his eyes fully. Even from the far distance Jet could see the bright blue shining back. "Oh I think you will regret it if you do not come back. The meeting will be an event to die for." A last flash of the brilliantly white teeth, and the man slipped out of view.

Jet grunted, grinding his teeth and hauling Ed back to the van(?).

"C'mon Ed let's go."

"Nya!" She skips around to her seat and flops in. Her phones out before her butt hits the (this time blue fabric) seat. "Strrraange."

"Yeah he seemed real wacko."

"No! Custard's not working!" She held up her phone; it also displays a red "error" message.

Jet pulls out his own only to find the same. "Huh. That is weird. We are in a parking garage though, so just give it a minute."

Ed makes a loud whining sound, sinking deep into the seat and beyond onto the floor in frustration.

"Hey put your seat belt on."

She does after a lot more whiny noises and disgruntled faces. Faye had been rubbing off a lot on her recently. She had even picked up the habit of mumbling sometimes.

"It's not like you're gunna wreck Jet-Jet. Jetty never wrecks ever."

Jet sighs deeply. He knows he should be thankful he's not having this argument with his three (mostly grown-up) children, but the run in with Nimaru has shaken his already raw nerves.

"Yeah, well…"

They ride in companionable silence through several blocks of traffic.

"Are we there yet?! Ed is booored! Custard's still fritzing!"

"Yeah almost. See? That's one of the buildings from earlier, remember? We never even left this district anyway."

Ed perks up in her seat, suddenly very alert. "Wowzers! Shoes-on-my-feets! Lookie!"

Jet saw the same streets he had been looking at the past few minutes.

"What, Ed?"

"It's all gunna fall down!"

"Nah," Jet chuckled. Ed sure got some odd ideas sometimes. "Buildings here are real sturdy, they don't just fall down."

Ed shook her head no. "Nonono the ships silly! The sky is falling! Run chickie run!"

Jet makes a confused noise as the first light goes out, followed shortly by everything electronic he could see. Sounds of crashing metal, sparks from collisions, gunfire, screams, and Ed making "ooh" "aahh" noises like it was all just some fireworks show. Not that Jet paid much attention to the sounds. His focus could not leave dodging the falling cruisers and out-of-control cars suddenly without breaks or lights. He finally managed to squeeze the van (?) into a tiny alleyway.

It took a few moments for all the cars and ships fated to crash settled. People were running everywhere. Most of them had guns. Approximately half of them knew how to use them.

Jet cursed, searching his pocket for a lighter. He hears one ignite, immediately registering Ed's wide grin in the red glow.

"Annnd now, the moment you've all been waiting for—eeeexxxplosions!"

Jet's brow furrowed. He was nervous enough to grab Ed by the shoulders.

"What the hell do you mean Edward? Did you have something to do with this?!"

Ed giggled, pointed at herself and shook her head no. "Woman's in-tu-i-tion silly Jet-Jet. Ladies knows secrets."

And just as she predicted, as Jet went to force out more details, several of the nearby buildings exploded. The good news was it was light enough to see now. Not see well, necessarily, but anything less than pitch-black was oddly comforting. The bad news was that all the booms increased the panic which increased the number of active trigger fingers. Already there were bodies littering the streets.

"Don't look Ed. Close your eyes till I tell you it's ok."

There was a long pause. Ed looked at her Jet-person, eyes wide. He could not see any fear or horror there. Just her usual endless curiosity. The joy was gone, but there was no sadness to replace it. Just an empty calm. Like Spike around death.

"Ed cannot look away Jet-person. Then maybe no one will see them."

He really did not know a single damn thing about his (almost) friends.

Jet did not respond. For a few minutes they both silently observed the chaos flooding the street, waiting for the lights to come back, or the police to show up, something, anything. Ed was also doing something with her phone, in between glances out the window. Jet flicked the lighter off and on.

"What is this?"

"Nya?"

"I've never seen a blackout like this before; wonder what caused it…and who the hells responsible."

Ed shrugged. "Iemp probably. Only a few persons could use it though. Really really really big monies."

"You mean an EMP?"

She shook her head no. "No I-EMP. Eternal imps. Not supposed to exist yet. Secret."

Jet shook his head. His first assumption would be that Ed had no idea what she was talking about. Only his assumptions almost always turned out to be dead wrong when it came to the girl.

"I'm thinkin' you can't fix it."

Ed shrugged. "Nah. Not from here. Maybe far away."

He did not bother to ask if she was referring to the device or herself.

"How about who did this? Do you know Ed?"

"Shh," she held up a quiet finger. "Ed's working!"

"Oh, ok." Jet settled back down.

Jet chose to spend his wait smoking a cigarette, rolling down the window first before lighting up. His thoughts were on how calm he felt and how fucked up that was. He kept an eye on Ed. She had almost stopped occasionally looking up from her "work." So that was good. Somehow.

"Eureka!" Ed, after some time, finally shrieked, springing up.

Jet jumped. "What? What?"

"Ed found Faye-Faye!"

"Huh?" He looked at the phone screen she was frantically waving in his face. It looked like a bunch of numbers, nothing Faye-like at all.

"Ed I don't know what that means."

Ed giggled, hugging the phone to her chest with one hand and pointing with the other. "Drive!"

"You can get us out of here?"

"Mmmm-HHHMMMM." She shakes her head in a vigorous "yes."

"You somehow made that thing work even though everything else is still broken?"

"Yipyip!"

"And you want me…to drive through this in possibly…no I'm pretty damn sure _only_ manual vehicle on Mars."

"Ya-ya-yip-yip-a-go-go-adventure-van(?)!"

Jet sighed deeply again. "Fasten your seatbelt kid. And keep your head down."

Ed complies with a devilish grin.

 **VI**

Meanwhile Spike and Faye are taking cover from the onslaught of bullets coming from…everywhere. They are both panting, ash streaks cross their faces, there is a good deal of blood splattered all over their clothes but most of it came from someone else. Faye cannot seem to catch her breath; she's still shaking. She begins to slide down the wall to the ground. Spike catches her.

"You ok?"

Choking, she manages a weak, "Fine."

Spike scowls, searching her all over. "What are you hit?"

She shakes her head no. In between panted breaths she explains, "No but my head's fucking killing me."

"Ok. Ok…" He moves to pick her up, handing back the handgun.

"What they hell are you doing?"

"We're almost to the exit…"

"Yeah and I'm walking the whole damn way."

He rolls his eyes, "Quit being stubborn, Faye."

"No! You quit being stubborn."

They have engaged in a staring contest. They have completely forgotten where they are and what is going on all around them. This is why a small group of goons in white is able to surround them, more-or-less, without either noticing. Spike notices the approaching figures fast enough to push Faye behind him against the wall, ignoring her attempts to free herself. It takes him firing a warning shot for her to realize that they are in potential danger.

Her head is making things hard to hear. The only discernible noise is her own heartbeat. Her vision is going fuzzy. She cannot stop shaking. The fight's started. She cannot move. Somehow Spike's weight shifts off of her and she slumps over sidewise. Someone else's gun falls near her face. Numbly she tries to make her hand reach for it. She should be helping. Her inaction could mean Spike getting hurt. She can see he's not really paying attention to his opponent. He's watching Faye, calling out to her. She cannot respond. That's why that grubby talentless nobody is able to graze his arm with a knife. Anger flares up in her throat. She will not let that shithead touch her man. Wait _her_ man? Shit.

Another nearby explosion momentarily lights up the street. She can see the exit perimeter. Still bristling with guns. Damn. Wait now there was a big hole? That opening was not there before. Someone else is shooting at them. No, just at the goons. They are all gone now— hobbled away, unconscious, or dead, did it matter? Maybe they all flew away. The ground is moving, no just her body. Fuck. He picked her up and she let him.

Spike gently shoves Faye in the backseat, then hops in after.

"Is she ok?"

Spike shakes his head, again going over her body looking for wounds. "I dunno she just got like this. Just get us the hell out of here."

"With pleasure."

The two both jump as Ed screams. "Wait! Ein! Ein!"

Before either of the boys can even ask a furry form hops aboard, barking.

"Wait, wha-?"

"Drive!" Spike yells, slamming the door. The only functioning vehicle has drawn a sizable audience since the few minutes since its' debut. People are starting to run for it. Several fire at the windows.

They clear the barrier again, taking heavy fire from civilians and police. Ed calls out directions from her phone. Every street is blocked with cars and other obstacles. Every turn reveals more guns and desperate people.

It was inevitable that eventually they would be forced into an impassible position. Jet had just hoped it would not involve heights of some kind. And now here they were, cornered on a bridge fifty plus feet in the air. Some ass had blown up the closest exit to the next district. Damn. Escape was visible, one unattainable jump away. Well maybe the angry approaching mob would accept surrender.

Ed whimpered. Spike looked around, finally aware of something other than shooting. "Why are we stopped."

Jet lights a cigarette. "Well guys, it was a good run. Didn't get any money today but hey, what's that matter anyway? At least I get to see a Martian sunrise one last time." He gestures at the horizon.

"The fuck? Drive!" Spike waves forward.

Jet gestures to the empty sky before them. "Where?"

Spike scowls. "Just GO! Dammit Jet MOVE!"

Jet shook his head "no" slowly. "If a man gets to choose one way of dying over another, this man will never choose falling. Besides, maybe we can sneak away or something."

The whole time Jet was staring Spike was wiggling his way forward. Jet incorrectly assumed it was to get at his smokes or gun. Really Spike was moving forward, with or without Jet's knowledge or permission. Ed fastened her seat belt.

The car jolts forward, accelerating quickly. Jet is doing everything in his power to fight off Spike's control. His weight was positioned in such a painful way that Jet could not move his foot off of the gas. All attempts at putting the car into any other gear than "drive" were thwarted by Spike's long limbs. Both are screaming at one another at full volume. Ed calmly collects Ein into her seatbelt.

She joins in the scream as the van(?) makes the jump, arms up in the air. It (?) hovers in midair in what seems to be slow-motion. Only the van(?) could manage to do something like that for real. It(?) clears the jump, but does not stick the landing. The vehicle(?) flips and skids a good deal before coming to an eventual halt. One door promptly falls off.

It is dead silent aboard as the four fully conscious look at one another in disbelief. Ed unbuckles her seatbelt. Jet distractedly pats Ein's head. Spike slumps back into his seat.

The silence is broken when Faye abruptly sits up, crawls over Spike, and pukes (repeatedly) out the window.

Jet frowns, turning around in his seat to smack Faye's back. "Why do I smell beer?!"

 **end ep2**

 **preview: contagion in ska bass base**

Nimaru and Julia: singing "baby it's cold outside" [with Nimaru singing first/girl part and Julia singing second/boy part]

Nimaru: I really can't stay - Julia: Baby it's cold outside

-images: the crew in school uniforms playing in a band?

Nimaru: I've got to go away - Julia: Baby it's cold outside

-Faye pointing a gun at Spike, Ein howling

Nimaru: This evening has been - Julia: Been hoping that you'd drop in

-wide and long sweeping shot of desert w/ single lonely car on long road

Nimaru: So very nice - Julia: I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

-a casino full of people spinning around in circles

both: baby it's cold outside

-Faye and Ed huddled under blankets shaking

Ed: but isn't it "in summer"?

-Ed & Ein (in sunglasses) with heads out car window

Faye: next time: contagion in ska bass base


End file.
